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What vs. Why

Everyone wants to tell you what to do.

Vote for my candidate. Buy my product. Subscribe to my blog. There’s no shortage of advice on what you should do.

But knowing what to do is only part of the equation. Understanding why you should do it is the real question.

Agency — the ability to make choices — is life’s greatest freedom. But though we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions. Choose well and you reap happy consequences. Choose unwisely and your decision will haunt you, perhaps forever.

If you want to influence other people, do not tell them what to do. Rather, help them understand why they should follow your advice.

In my role as a lawyer, my job is not limited to advising my clients about their legal options but also includes helping them recognize the long-term consequences of those options. They need to appreciate how the law interacts with their business so that they can make sound decisions going forward. And they are more likely to “buy in” to my trial strategy when they understand how that strategy will play out.

As a teacher, my job is to help students make sense of the law so that they can give sound legal advice to their future clients. Making sense of the law involves more than discussing the topic of the day. It includes explaining the rules of court, providing insight into how judges think, and applying ethical principles to real-life situations. Students who understand the law in its proper context become lawyers who confidently help clients navigate through turbulent legal waters.

And in my most important area of influence, my critical (and never-ending) job is to teach my children how to have happy and successful lives. I must not only teach them what they must do while they are living in my home, but also help them understand why they should choose to follow those principles when I no longer oversee their lives. My job is to teach them the “why” of life so they will want to make good choices for themselves.

You may be able to use your position of authority to compel someone to do what you want them to do, but compulsion is short-lived. If you want to truly influence another person, teach them why they should do what you want them to do. And then let them choose.

When they understand the why behind a decision, knowing what to do becomes a much easier choice.

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Tabasco Cheese Rolls

I love good bread, especially when it is slathered in butter, fresh out of the oven. Good bread turns a sandwich into something extraordinary, a meal into a feast.

My Grandmother Gibson gave us a Bosch bread mixer when we got married more than 30 years ago. It is perhaps our most beloved and well-used kitchen appliance. I hope it lasts long enough that we can pass it one to one of our children.

One of my favorite types of bread is a Tabasco cheese roll. The recipe initially contemplated baking a single loaf, but we learned years ago that it makes great rolls. It’s one of my Thanksgiving baking traditions.

The recipe calls for sharp cheddar cheese, which pairs nicely with the acidic heat of Tabasco sauce. But if you don’t have sharp cheddar, you can substitute another strong cheese. For the rolls pictured here, I used a combination of cheddar with pecorino romano.

While the rolls are a great side to your meal, they are a tasty foundation for any sandwich.



Ingredients

  • 3 to 4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 tablespoon dry yeast
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1 1/4 cups milk (heated)
  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • 1 cup (or more) grated sharp cheddar cheese
  • Tabasco sauce to taste (about 1/2 teaspoon)

Instructions

Combine 2 cups flour with the yeast and salt. Heat the milk to 120 to 130 degrees, and add to the dry ingredients. Add the butter and mix for about 2 minutes until the butter is incorporated into the batter. Add the Tabasco sauce.

Add the additional flour a little at a time until the dough no longer clings to sides of the mixer. Knead the dough in the mixer for about 1-2 minutes, until it is stretchy and elastic.

Transfer the dough to a large greased bowl. Cover with plastic wrap. Let the dough rise at room temperature until it doubles in size, about 1 hour.

When the dough has risen. turn the dough out on a clean, floured surface. Using a knife or a bench scraper, cut the dough into equal sized pieces. Roll the dough into round balls and place on baking sheet lined with parchment paper or a silicone baking sheet.

Cover the rolls with a towel. Let the rolls rise until they have nearly doubled in size, about 50 minutes. While the rolls are rising, heat your oven to 400*.

Bake the rolls for 10 minutes at 400*, then turn the oven down to 350* and bake an additional 10 to 15 minutes, until the rolls are golden brown.

Give your family hot rolls. They will love you forever.

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Strengthening Your Negotiating Position

Everyone negotiates.

Let me rephrase that. Everyone negotiates every day.

Parents negotiate to convince toddlers to eat their “mmm, yummy, good” chicken nuggets. Teenagers negotiate for a later curfew or for expanded car privileges. Spouses negotiate to determine who will pick up Sally from her dance lessons.

Everyone negotiates every day.

Negotiation permeates every aspect of your business. You negotiate salaries with your employees and prices with your customers, lease terms with your landlord and vacation dates with your colleagues, payment terms with vendors and delivery deadlines with clients.

Your ability to negotiate directly impacts the success of your business.

The best advice I know on negotiating is simple, yet profound. I learned it from an unlikely source, a class on courtship and marriage. What is that critical advice?

The person with the least amount of interest controls the relationship.

Whether the negotiating involves asking for a date, landing a job, or making a sales call, the person who is least interested – the person who is willing to walk away from the deal – has the greatest say in whether and on what terms the deal gets done.

The best negotiations occur when both parties are equally motivated to create a long-term relationship. Each party then is willing to sacrifice immediate gains for the benefits of the ongoing relationship. A healthy marriage is a great example of this type of relationship.

But most negotiating occurs outside of long-term relationships. The way you handle that negotiation will determine whether you strike a fair deal or end up regretting the deal you make.

Let me emphasize this point with two examples. When I graduated from law school, I decided I needed a new car to celebrate my accomplishment. The Ford Taurus was the Motortrend Car of the Year; I knew it was the car for me.

While I was test driving the car, the salesman asked me what I had budgeted to spend on the car. Foolishly, I told him.

After we returned to the dealership and the salesman consulted with his manager, he informed me that the payment would exceed my ceiling by about $28 per month. I was so anxious to buy the car that I said yes even though I knew the price I had quoted was a fair one.

I spent the next four years regretting my decision, knowing that I had overpaid by more than $1300.

Nearly 30 years later, my oldest daughter decided it was time to purchase her first real car. She researched her options, settled on a vehicle, and asked me to accompany her to the dealership to make her purchase.

We told the salesman what we wanted. We test drove a vehicle and went to the showroom to negotiate the transaction.

I informed the sales rep that we were going to purchase a vehicle and we were giving him the first opportunity to make the sale. We needed his best price.

The sales rep visited with his manager and came back with a price that was substantially in excess of his best price. I thanked him, told him we would let him know, and got up to leave.

The sales rep began stammering about needing to talk to his manager to get a better price. In a few minutes, he came back with a reasonable price. We negotiated a fair deal because we were indifferent about whether we bought the car from him or from another dealer.

The person with the least amount of interest controls the relationship. Understanding this principle is a recipe for success.

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Challah Bread Pudding

Last week I baked four loaves of Challah bread. We ate one and froze the others to eat later.

Yesterday, Rebecca suggested that I make some bread pudding. We wanted to try a new recipe, and I found a good one in the Baker’s Companion from King Arthur Flour. The book is packed full of recipes and baking tips.

I made a double recipe — one for us and one for a neighbor. It’s the same amount of work to make twice as much food, and it’s good to share.

For a double batch, cut up a loaf of bread into about 20 cups of one-inch cubes of eggy goodness. Toast the bread in the oven at 200 degrees for about 40 minutes. Dried bread soaks up all the milk and egg mixture and makes a great bread pudding.


The mix-ins are next. This is the step where your cooking can get creative. I added 2 cups each of chopped walnuts, dried cherries, and chocolate chips. I like the contrast between the tart cherries and chocolate. And who doesn’t love walnuts? Any other dried fruit — craisins, raisins, blueberries — would work as well.

At this stage, add your sweetener. I used 2 cups brown sugar, but any other sweetener would work as well.

Because this is a double batch, I melted a cube of butter in 2 quarts of milk.

Mix 8 eggs into a bowl with 1 teaspoon salt, 1 1/2 teaspoons nutmeg, 4 teaspoons cinnamon, and 2 teaspoons vanilla.


Slowly whisk the egg mixture into the milk mixture. Then pour the combined mixture over the bread bread and fruit. If you use chocolate chips like I did, they will melt in the warm milk mixture.


The dried bread quickly soaks up the milk mixture.

Pour the mixture into a greased 9-inch pan, making sure to distribute the fruit, chocolate, and nuts evenly through the mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes. (Because we made a double batch, it took longer for the bread pudding to cook.) The pudding is done when a knife inserted into the center comes out clean.

Enjoy.